NO GAME CIVIC WEEKEND

LORD SIMCOE HATED FOOTBALL

Spartan Hater...joke's on you this week

The Civic Holiday, known in years past as Lord Simcoe Day, will mean the end of the first half of the season.

It was well known that General John Graves Simcoe had a great dislike of football, despite being British.
"Elizabeth," he opened in a letter before his death,"I have played this game of kick ball for years. Against the French, against the Iroquois, against Prussian immigrants. Although the drunken revelry of the post game appeals to one's basic spirits, the entire function is totally unbecoming a man of rank."

Lord Simcoe's team, The Chiefs, was the worst of the Upper Canada League. It continuously set new records of destitution, and appeared in a book by the poet Goethe entitled "The Sadness of the Game is Afoot." Beethoven would eventually pen the depressing 17th Symphony after reading through the results of the disastrous sports adventure.

TRIVIA FACTS:
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The Civic Holiday is not a true holiday in the sense that workers are given time and a half or a day in lieu.

The Civic Holiday is actually named differently depending upon where you are in Ontario. For instance, Oshawa celebrates the day as McLaughlin Day.

Although RS McLaughlin designed and manufactured Canada's first automotive industry, he preferred long walks with his dogs and smoking a cigar.

TURNING VICTORY INTO DEFEAT

ABSENT SPARTANS CONTRIBUTE TO LOSS

Superstar Justin with fumes in the Tank

"You get what you give," were the words from Sparta FC owners after the 3-0 loss by a depleted Spartan side."The guys that let us down this game were the ones that didn't show up and didn't let us know."

"I have nothing but respect and admiration for the guys on the pitch today," said an injured Captain Ian, who will spend atleast a month on the IR list."We started with 10 men, and we were the better team until the gas ran out in the 70th minute."

Commentators Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest, long time Spartan fans had this to say about the loss.
'Each and every member of the fielded team showed heart. They understood the enormity of the situation and didn't despair. Even after the second goal, each man showed his stones and dug deep. In the end, Captain Ian should be proud of the fact that his guys never gave in, and kept going till the end.'
Craig had this to add:
'There's no doubt that a full Spartan Team would have tied or won the game. It's not to say that the win would have been easy, but with the movement up front and the confidence in the back, it was difficult to say that the Village Harps would have mustered a win.'

SPARTANS LOSE 1-0

REF SINGLE HANDEDLY DETERMINES GAME FATE AGAINST SPARTANS

These officials are worthless

"Shame! Shame!" were the shouts from the Baron and Spartan fans after the Ref and Linesmen colluded in giving 'Rovers the win.

"I have asked FAD to look into this incident. Not much we can do now, but atleast garbage officiating will no longer be tolerated at this level of professionalism.

Early in the game, the Ref awarded up and coming superstar Mike a free kick, which the Spartan converted into a nifty goal. The Ref shook his head seconds later, indicating for the first time that the kick was indirect.

Not to be outdone, when a Stone Throw's Rovers player fell over his own feet outside the 18, the linesman and Ref awarded a penalty shot which quickly went in.

Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest were not about to let that ludicrous call go unchallenged.
"It was so obviously NOT a penalty, that we're including this play in our video 'how not to officiate'"

Baron, taking over from Captain ian who was partying with the European Cup Women's Players, was beyond reprehension.
"When the Linesman told me it was within the 18, I asked him where the 18 was, since the grass was burnt out and there were no lines. I was told at that point that he didn't need to. That's the type of officiating we had to deal with."

Although our local heroes were continuing well with their ongoing improvements, there were still issues that stopped the team from trouncing the 11 man opponent squad.
"It's getting there," commented Craig Forrest."My prediction is that the Spartans will record some wins in the second half. Of course, I also predicted that Canada would score a goal in their World Cup appearance. So take that for what it's worth."

IN OTHER NEWS
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Defender and former Goalkeeper Mark will be practicing for the FAD 100m sprint.
Said Mark,"I have no idea how to play soccer, but I can run."

Defender Paul was back in the lineup after a separated shoulder.
"It hurts a bit, but it's not like I need my arm for playing. After all, didn't Beckenbauer play a WC overtime on a separated shoulder?"

Rumours continue that Captain Ian may fake an injury to end his season and join long time sweet heart Julia Simic.
Revealed Ian,"I saw her in that awesome Playboy article, and had my people call her people. Simply put, I find German women sexy and sensual, especially when they use their native tongue."

SPARTANS TIE GAME

IS THIS THE END OF THE BEGINNING?

Spartan Fans are Fil'd with Joy

In a game that would never be remembered, the League's two worst teams went to battle for the distinction of worst team.
"I was full of hope," said Ian,"that this would settle things once and for all. It didn't"

In a lobsided encounter, the Spartans were all over their opponents. But it was Bowmanville FC that scored first.
"I never expected a crappy shot like that to go in," related Trevor, who took goal for Mark,"so I guess he looked pretty good. Glad I could be of help."

Fil, never one to mince words or miss a chance, scored to tie the game up.
"Mike, Fernando, Baron. They can have all the little goals that don't mean much. They can score for Germany, Portugal, Australia, or any other European team," he laughed,"but when it comes down to eat, I'll be the one with the Orange."

With the formation holding, and the Spartans having numerous chances, including another flub by super star Justin, the Spartans went into the half time with a confidence never before felt.

"It was almost as good a feeling as when Baron scored that goal in the '10 playoffs," remembered Pat, who stuffed down prime Saragossan Oranges.

But the second half looked more or less the same as the old Spartans. A bad play between the defence and goalkeeper left Spartan fans aghast as the bad guys went up by one.
"As I told you before, Baron, this was not a bad play by the defence, it was a simple bad judgement call." countered Ian in a post game beer fest.

With the minutes winding down, all eyes went to Chris, who had a bullet knocked out of play.
"I'll never have another kick like that again," wept Chris, who had eyes on atleast making the listing for the Golden Orange once in his career.

But it would be Fil's side kick Mike who would net the tie goal, on a semi pretty play that completely fooled the enemy goalkeeper.
"It was a great goal," commented Mike," don't listen to the commentary Baron is making up"

As the season nears the half way point, fans and players alike wonder if this marks the end of the losing season.

"We shall see," reflected Captain Ian,"If the lads continue to learn from their past mistakes, we should make a fine team for the second half of the season."

Next Winning Game gets a picture!

IN OTHER NEWS
Goalkeeper Mark will spend a two game suspension in Morocco.
"Not sure why I'm suspended," returned Mark,"but I'm game, and will enjoy the fine scenery at the Moroccan beaches."

The Baron has been approached by writers to do a movie about his life.
"I'm always happy to help others achieve fame," projected the Baron," and utilizing my German-Canadian fame can only help these budding young filmers."

Carmen is gaining fans in his recent revival of skills. In a recent Oshawa this Week poll, Carmen was picked most likely to win "Mediocre Player of the Year".

Pat and Carmen were pulled apart after fistacuffs were thrown in the Spartan change room.
"I'm gonna win that award! Not you, not any of the other bitches!" Pat yelled in anger.
Suspensions may be pending.

LUDICROUS DISPLAY DISMANTLES SPARTANS

LITTLE SHINE IN DISMAL 7 - 2 DRUBBING.

Goalkeeper Mark is not happy with the Turkey Shoot against him!

In yet another great display of soccer, the Spartans managed to go down three early goals and never recovered.

Don Cherry, on hand as a request from the Baron, was pleased with the game.
"You see here kids," said a gesticulating Cherry,"this is a great teaching aid for you. Never play like the Spartans. It's a text book case of how not to conduct a football match. Football, soccer, kickity kick ball. Whatever you pinko commies call it. If ain't a stick and puck you're not even up to snuff with women hockey players."

As Grapes was hustled off the field by the political correctness committee, Captain Ian offered a few words of support.
"We did some good things out there. Mostly bad things. But some good things...though I can't recall them this instant."

The spotlight was definitely on ex Bundesliga star the Baron. Working with superstar Justin, the wrestler turned footballer found the back of the net after a nifty flick from Justin.
"I saw Baron there, and thought, what the hell, he might just score," laughed Justin."Never thought he would, but I've seen worse in Soccer."

Fernando, who once promised to snatch the Golden Orange from Fil's open mouth, joined in the race.
"Baron's goal was as ugly as that sh!tty pass he made. Takes a great player to convert that play and make it something beautiful. Baron's goal was more like the Fat chick you take home at the end of the night at the bar." chastised the former Portuguese National Team player.

Not to be outdone, great efforts were made by Dave and Justin.
"I'm not sure how the goalie caught that," reflected Dave,"but next time he won't."

Superstar Justin was even more reflective.
"Look, if I really wanted it to go in, I wouldn't have tapped it like a six year old girl. I choose the time and place for my goals. Not the players, not the team, and definitely not the fans who look like they need some time at the gym. Like look at my chiseled body and sexy looks."

While the offensive was working on three out of four cylinders, the defense was chugging along on two, mainly thanks to the hearts of Pat and Carmen.
"I really need to win that Mediocre Player of the Year award," recited Pat."It's just going to be difficult with some of the competition this year."

Carmen paused during this interview and stared into some place within the air as he recounted his conversation with the Baron an hour before.
"I was all pumped, and the Baron tells me that if I don't play with heart he's going to sacrifice me to Odin...or was it Thor. Either way I thought it better to give it my all, just in case you know."

As usual, Captain Ian was very optimistic.
"We played 20 minutes of quality football...where the formation held and we worked as a team. That beats last game's record of 15 minutes."

IN OTHER NEWS

Durham College may sue the Spartans for damages incurred to their superstar midfielder Paul.
"Captain Ian's total disregard for our agreement will result in our players being recalled." said George Mendez of Durham University. When asked about whether flowers were sent to Paul's home, George simply said," Franz Beckenbauer played with a dislocated shoulder in the '68 world cup. Looks like Paul's not ready to take that step. And that's Ian's fault once again."

Defender Kyle may be suspended after a ruckus at Bitmores.
"All I know is that I had a lot to drink and the rear end I pinched wasn't Rocco's, and suddenly these women were kicking the crap out of me. What? Well, Rocco looks good in jeans. No...I was up north this Sunday..why?

Jurgen Klinsmann, who recently secured famed midfielder for Toronto FC was recently asked if he could improve the Spartans.
"I've done a lot of miracles for the Germans and Toronto. But the Spartans...well...that miracle is out of their price range."