DISMAL FAILURE OF THE TEAM

GAME DAY PRACTICE YIELDS SAD TURNOUT

Prince Adam laughs at the Lameness of some Players!

Oshawa This Week and Fans were disappointed at the lackluster show up for the practice that took place instead of the game.

"These guys get paid so much," complained one fan,"and they can't be bothered to show up and sign a few autographs for the fans."

The Junior Spartans, who won their playoffs last year and were an inspiration for their older namesakes this year, returned to the bus heart broken.

While many women were oogling the certain ascendancy of super star Justin, most fans and reporters left early to get a front row seat to the premiere of He-Man: Out of the Eternia Closet.

Captain Ian, never one to mince words, was apprehensive about the start of the season.
"While I realize that watching He-Man is a big deal and important to our players, I also need a team or I might as well spend my Sunday nights watching re-runs of Thundarr the Barbarian."

IN OTHER NEWS

Midfielder Dave, fresh off his team's loss to Warner Bremen in the Baron's Cup, was seen saving lives.
"It's true," said the multi-talented midfielder,"I'm just like a modern day Laura Secord. Wait...or is that Florence Nightengale. Well, whatever. Secord ice cream rules."

Midfielder Tyler is sporting a new beard this year.
"It's taken me three months to smooth out the patches. We'll see how this affects my ability to hit goal posts this year."

Defender Rocco, known as the Portuguese Man-O-Wall has lost weight this year, thanks in no part to Jenny Craig.
"Although," add Rocco,"That red haired chick is awesomely good looking. And just say no to Kirstie Alley."

NEW SEASON BEGINS

LOCAL FANS EXCITED ABOUT THIS YEAR

Kaiser Wilhelm supports Sparta FC!

All eyes will be on the new Spartan team as they journey to their first game this year.

"I'm pumped," said Fans of Fil president Edan Monte,"I mean, he'll have to score a goal sooner than last year...doesn't he?"

Superstar Justin was involved in his first controversy, as his body guards choked a young fan out.
"It's obvious that the kid was asking for trouble. Yelling at me and shoving this sharp pencil in my hand. I mean, really, what fan does that?"

Baron, featured in his fifth game with the Darlington league, was more thoughtful.
"I've been in five losing seasons. No, it's not my fault. Pat was also in each one of those too."

Captain Ian, in his usual pessimism, was unavailable for comment. But he did say to reporters,"I venture to say that this will be our best season ever."

EXHIBITION GAMES THREATENED

INJURIES AND TRUANTS CAUSE ISSUES

Guys,

We need to get a good committment this year regarding people coming to practices and games.

Last year we lost close games due to lack of subs. This year, we have lots of people returning, and we need to play a few games as a team to feel out the plays and how we each react.

In the next few days, I'll be sending emails out to determine what hours each of you can commit to practices, and find a proper medium.

You'll also have to determine your availability to friendlies and the games. We need honesty from each player.

If you're injuried or sick...tell us
If you're off for vacation...tell us
If you have to work...tell us

The team is going to be what you guys make it. Last year we had a few people who paid and never showed up. Almost half our team paid for the year and didn't play half the games. Truly a sad experience!

WARNER BREMEN TAKES CUP

BAYERN HOLSTOCK COMES UP SHORT

Celebration Time!

Crowds were stunned in the famed FAW Arena when the final buzzer sounded, awarding Warner Bremen their first Baron's Cup.

"We're champions of the world!" shouted Kevin, as he was hoisted above team mates Ian, Anders and Sean, sipping once too often from the chalice.

"I'm not sure what happened," commented Anders,"First he's drinking from that Beck's bottle, and then he's running his fingers through my hair, calling me Andrea."

Nevertheless, after tying two games, the former relegated FAW team rebounded to two wins. Winning 8 points to 2.

"In the last game," told Gerry Dobson,"there was a danger that Warner Bremen would return to their famed losing way. But after an own goal, they seemed to wake up and work on the victory."

Bayern Holstock Captain Dave was apologetic.

"I wasn't at 100%," a tired and dejected Dave related," and I have to apologize. Warner Bremen was the better team on this day."

Pundits agreed that Ian, a temporary insert from the FAD, was instrumental in the victory.

"He may score on his own net," Craig Forrest noted,"but he also stopped numerous shots, including a cheeky lift and drop from the Baron."

With that said and done, the Cup was not without its controversy.

Many players were stricken with flu, and many fans stayed at home fearing H1N1 revivals.

Superstar Justin, who phoned in sick, was spotted playing for the New York Cosmos team with a practice jersey.

"That's not me," he pointed out while kicking the ball,"it's someone else."

Although the spring Cup has completed the FAW season, many are looking foward to September.

"I like Turkey!" yelled Kevin, before collapsing in a heap of drunk.

STATS:
BAYERN HOLSTOCK
Fabian (5)
Dave (3)
Wendell (3)
Baron (1)

WARNER BREMEN
Anders (8)
Kevin (6)
Sean (1)
Ian (1) + (1) OG

Game 1: BH 1 - 3 WB
Game 2: BH 4 - 4 WB
Game 3: BH 4 - 4 WB
Game 4: BH 4 - 6 WB

Warner Bremen wins 8 pts to 2 pts

Awards:
Thor's Thunder (awarded to the highest goal scorer)
Anders (Warner Bremen) - scored 8 goals on the night

Odin's Sight (awarded to the most valuable player)
Kevin (Warner Bremen) - instrumental in all goals for his team

Tyr's Vigliance (awarded to the best goalie)
Ian (Warner Bremen) - invincible in net

Curse of the Giants (awarded to the most unlucky player)
Baron (Bayern Hostock) - 7 goals saved by the goal post or last minute save

Song of Loki (awarded to the worst play)
Ian (Warner Bremen) - own goal