SPARTANS LOSE AGAIN

LACK OF DISCIPLINE CAUSES BREAKDOWN IN 3-1 LOSS

Can I get a refund on the Season Tickets?

"There's still a lot of work to be done, I'm afraid," spoke a disgusted Captain Ian after yet another fine loss by the good guys.

Pundits and Commentators, including TSN's very own Craig Forrest and Gerry Dobson were in agreement.
"The Spartan formation worked well, up until they decided the formation no longer was needed. And that's just bad football in general. We usually see this in kids' leagues and adult women soccer once a month."

Politcally Incorrect bad jokes aside, it was no laughing matter on the field where many Spartans were despondent.
"We're afraid to play the Spartan Junior Girls team," said Fernando,"cause if they beat us, I'm going home."

Although Fil continued his run on the Golden Orange, many considered the action of Rocco and Andrew.
"Now those guys have heart," one fan was caught saying.

There were some heart stopping moments on the field. The Baron, ex-Bundesliga great, revealed that he had spent a few seasons with the Montreal Alouettes, after a steamroller tackle that completely destroyed a hapless opponent.
"I thought Baron had killed him," laughed Ian," but the guy got up after a few minutes and seemed to be okay".

With bookies now offering odd for another flawless (loss) season for the Spartans at 1:720, many fans and players are hoping for a windfall.

"Although it's not considered sporting," said an unnamed Spartan player,"I'll try to throw the games and fund my child's future post secondary career."

IN OTHER NEWS

Superstar Justin was a game time decision, as doctors weren't confident in releasing him.
"I bruised my groin," stated Justin," practicing three on one's and pulling the goalie. Wait...that's not recording right?"

Defender and Galaxy FC wash up Steve appeared before a Darlington Disciplinary Committee to explain his internet shenanigans.
"For the last time, it's my big toe. Where, ever, did it become unacceptable to show the injury to someone?"

Internet Sensation Paul dislocated his shoulder in last week's game.
"I want to thank all the fans for their support. I especially want to thank the guys for sending over those prositututes. Although we didn't do anything, I learned alot about touchless foreplay."

Golden Orange leader Fil is taking some time off to see his old team Olympiakus in Greece.
"First, you spelled that wrong. Second, I'll still be the leader of the scorers. I am not worried."

SPARTANS FEATURE BAD COMEDY

TEAM GOES BACKWARDS IN SUNDAY LOSS

FANS ARE UPSET! TICKET SALES PLUMMET!

"I thought for a moment that I had the wrong season," commented long time Sparta FC fan The Doctor," I had to check the TARDIS just to be sure."

Many fans decided that the second period was not worth their while, and left to finish chores and wax their bodies. By the second half, fans were cheering the Gunnars, who found the net three times in that first 30 minutes.

"We had some problems," said Captain Ian,"I came late and didn't have time to spike the Baron's oranges with Steroids."

GoalKeeper Mark was constantly tested, and it could have been a lot worse, had he not showed up.
"It's all about the dedication and loyalty to the team," confirmed Mark,"and the fact that I'm married now so this is the only time the ball and chain let's me out of the house. Wait, that's off the record right?"

Abe, deciding that he needed to shine in the game, awarded the Gunners their first penalty shot.
"Well, I wanted some sort of spot light. Negative, positive, whatever, as long as I get a mention!"

Unfortunately, flop of the night would not go to Abe. Mike, awarded a penalty shot after Justin was brought down in the 18, decided that he didn't need the goal.
"I could have scored any time I wanted. Doing that 6 year old kick was just to show everyone how I could play."

The game itself was almost won on forfeit, when Gunner FC fans were ejected from the field after chasing off kids from the park. The Referee, a long time fan of the Hydro Park monkey bars, kicked the offender off the pitch, and promised swift justice.

On field, the Spartans were a comedy of errors. Even with the Gunners down a man due to their man getting two yellow, the only real chance came from Justin.
"It was funny," offered one fan,"but not like Arrested Development or IT Crowd . More like that movie Screwed funny."

"Next week," reflected Captain Ian,"will be another game. And we'll treat it as such."

IN OTHER NEWS
Defender Steve continues to be in hot water over allegations that he spread pictures of his member across the internet.
"For God's sake," he whined to reporters," it was my big toe. How does someone get bruises like that on their member?"
We're not sure Steve, but only you can answer that one.

Baron and some team mates were in a post game scrum after the game.
"The guys came up to me and said that the Civic Holiday was a stat holiday. I told them that it wasn't and to check the MoL's site for proof. That's when the violence started. And I'm right. Justin might be a better player, but he knows sh!t for designated statutory holildays."

Fernando and Rocco were conspicuously absent from the pitch on the 3-0 loss.
"Fernando and Rocco agreed to pose nude together for their charity work," revealed Sarah Balow of Kids Suffering from non-life threatening diseases,"and I'm sure that the kids will enjoy the calendar. Especially the one with Rocco in the Teddy bear ears."

Forward Tyler and Defender Trevor were denied entrance back into Canada, after their trip from Vegas.
"We can't tell you what happened...because what happens at the border, stays at the border," retorted Trevor. When reporters told him that this was the Vegas motto, Trevor became irate and had to be restrained by Tyler.

SPARTANS FIL THE NET

SIDEKICK MIKE HELP OUT TOO IN 6-4 LOSS

Fil's Fans get Excited!

It was a day for the dynamic duo!
Golden Orange holder Fil, proved that he was the man once again, scoring two incredibly sexy goals that got many women hot under the collar.

"I wish that Fil would score on me," said one fan, who was pictured waving at the Spartan scorer,"I could go for a hat trick!"

Not to be undone, Fil's sidekick Mike kept pace with his mentor and hero.
"It was great just to have the ball," Mike commented," and to score is one of those things that I never thought I'd do in a league of this calibre."

While the Spartans were recording record numbers of goals on this windy day, Captain Ian was recording a record number of headers.
"Giving head to ball is something I demand from all my players," related Ian, ice pack on his swelled skull," and very few perform it with the diligence and dedication that I do."

Others were also tending to wounds inflicted by the very physical and dirty play of the Shooters.

Last year's "Most Sexy Tackler" Kyle was injured early, doing what he does best. And Super Star Justin left the game with a bloodied right leg and knee.
"I've had my share of scratches, both on and off field," bragged the 19 year old,"but this was just unreal."

When fans demanded cards for the heinous atrocities, Darlington officials announced "Sorry, we forgot our cards at home".

While the Spartans lost the game 6-4, last second goal notwithstanding, they did show some admirable traits that will only get better.

"It's the hair," said Paul, " that brings the fans...and it'll just get better as the season goes on."

OTHER NEWS:
Defender Steve has been fined by Sparta FC for publishing photos of his member on the internet.
"It wasn't my member," an angry Steve reported,"it was my toe. I bruised my toe. Can't you tell the difference?"

Midfielder Anders missed Sunday's game due to problems at his Whiskey refinery in Tennessee. U.S. officials wouldn't comment, but indicated that "this sh!t will make you blind or confuse your sister with your wife"

Thesbian Pat may call it a season after being picked up for the BroadWay hit "The Penis Monologues". Said Pat,"I've always wanted to show my talents in acting, and now I have my chance."

Mike in between these posts!

SPARTANS LOSE THRILLER OPENER

COSTLY MISTAKE LEADS TO LOSS

OOOOPS!

Despite conceding a 1-0 loss to the Destroyers, Captain Ian was impressed with his team.
"Considering no one came to practices, we looked pretty good for a team that didn't gel."

Our heroes started out on wobbly feet, and the Destroyers were lucky not to finish on a few opening chances. But as the first half progressed, the Spartans unleashed their attack.

Ex-Bundesliga star The Baron handed Abe the first possible goal, but the former Barcelona water boy was unable to find the net. Super star Justin missed the net by mere inches moments later. And Captain Ian connected with a bicycle kick that just missed the net.

"The Spartans looked hot on the pitch," commented Gerry Dobson on his blog,"but were simply unlucky to connect."

On the other hand, the shakey defense seemed to solidify as the game progressed, despite a give away that led to the first and only goal.

"My fault entirely," revealed former net minder Mark,"I thought I was passing to Kyle, but then realized that he was wearing the wrong uniform."

The second half was more of the Spartans. The closest chance came when Tyler hit the goal post once again. The rebound bounced badly, being missed by Baron.

"I should have gone with my gut," said a despondant Baron,"and slide into it."

With the game over and the Mosquitos swarming, the Spartan team dispersed quickly.

"I'm excited about next game," related Ian,"if things work properly, we should have our first win."

IN RELATED NEWS

Forward Fernando was caught practicing head butts on store dummies at Sears. When questioned by police, he could only respond, "Just in case I see that tall guy."

Steve and Paul may be fined by Spartan owners for partying too long on Game Day Eve.
"We're concerned," confirmed Captain Ian," that the pair did not adhere to the abstinence rule"

Sam was called in by Spartan officials after an outburst to reporters.
said Sam,"Would you score with a goat, could you score with a coat, on a box, with a fox?"
"No Sam I am, I do not like Green soccer balls, damn."