HEART BREAK LOSS

DEFENSE STRONG BUT NO GOALS CONTINUES

Fans are Wondering "Where are the Goals?"

Just before Christmas, and Captain J didn't get the early present he desperately sought.

Taking in a new goalie, the Spartan defenses seemed to rise to the change, recording a paltry three goals against them
"Our defense is truly marvelous," stated Captain J in his usual post game interview.

On the other end, despite some fine chances, Spartan kicks never found the twine.

Well, except for Anders.
The well rounded forward managed to kick his rebound into the net. The referee counted the goal, but moments later rescinded the goal.

"The goalie was injured, and as a result, the goal doesn't stand," said the Ref, despite cat calls from the audience.

"Idiot!" shouted the more well mannered in the stands.
"If that's all we need to do to recall a goal," related Trevor," then I'll just fall over after every goal."
"It's F--kin' ridiculous," a heated Baron retorted," the goalie fumbles the ball, claims that he's injured, and then it's no goal. Great officiating can be had here!"

At that point, down 2-0, the local heroes mounted attack after attack, only to have the ball miss time and time again.

A late goal gave newcomer goalie Peter his first loss, but lots of practice in the ways of Sparta.

"It was a good game, the guys played hard, and we have the back end covered. Now it's time to think about getting goals in the net. Less thinking, more instinct." Captain J foretold.

QUICK STATS
**************************
Goalie:
Peter (3)

IN OTHER NEWS
**************************
Is Tyler's Slump affecting the Spartans?
When questioned the other day, that the Spartans haven't scored since Tyler's skid, the young mid-fielder offered this node of advice.
"Sometimes the easiest things are hardest to achieve."

Dave's Magic Shoes Doesn't Break Curse
Centre midfielder Dave is trying different things to break his slump. Dave hasn't seen the back of the net since Justin surpassed him in the goal standings.
Last game he paraded around the field in new white shoes.
"I'm doing my part to change the fate of this team. Next I'll dye my hair or shave it off like Baron."

Mike Makes his Mark
Mark, recovering from untold injuries, recently told the Toronto Star that mid field fullback Mike was one of the most tenacious players he's seen on the Spartans.
"I mean, the guy keeps going after his man, even when that marked man has cleared him. It shows intensity, and especially testicular fortitude."

SPARTAN SKID CONTINUES

GOOD GOALTENDING MARRED BY LACK OF SCORING

Shake the Joystick to make the striker Run!

"Our defending is impeccable," related Captain J in a post game interview,"the guys are covering the men, limiting the shots, and the goalers are doing the rest. But our strikers are double guessing themselves. And that's causing issues now."

Captain J couldn't be more correct.

While Baron and Trevor kept the back end secure, letting in only four goals (two each), the offensive sizzled but couldn't find the twine. The likes of Captain J, Dave (complete with new boots), Carmen, Abe and Same were kept off the sheets.

"But I did score," laughed a joyous Anders, who promises to make the Golden Pear a three man race," I promise to make this a three man...oh wait, you just said that. Well, I'm going to keep scoring."

Under the tutelage of legendary German coach and player Juegen Klinnsmann, the Spartans have recovered from their disastrous loss last week, and had numerous chances.

"The system is working, but is slow," said Klinnsmann,"but we'll see results soon."

"Although we lost 4-1 today, the guys can be proud that they worked hard and the scoring will come."

QUICK STATS:
**************************************
Anders (1)

GOAL:
1st Half: Baron (2 goals)
2nd Half: Trevor (2 goals)

IN OTHER NEWS
**************************************
Is superstar Kyle hanging up the boots for retirement?
The defender has recently discussed his exit from the outdoor and indoor teams with Team physicians and trainers.

Simon returns!
The ex-Paris Football Club water boy recently took part in special training in South Korea.
"The people of South Korea are nice. They are very accepting, especially some of the women at the massage parlour."

Sam and Abe...dancing partners?
As games go, no one can hold a candle to the foot work of Sam or Abe. The two are known to carry the ball up to the enemy defenders, and then back to their own zone without incident.
"I learned this in training camp years ago," commented Sam,"as long as I have the ball, they can't score."

SPARTANS LOSE UGLY ENCOUNTER

TEAM CAN"T FIND THE NET DESPITE GREAT CHANCES

Oprah, long time fan of the Spartans, can't believe Baron's bad game

"Sometimes you get the bear," commented a disappointed Justin,"sometimes the bear gets you."

These words on the heel of Sunday's disgusting loss to the Yellow Team.

Although there were flashes of superiority, the Spartans seemed to come short time after time when it was time to finish the play.

"I don't know what was going on," said Sam in a post game interview," one point I have the ball, the next time Baron is on the ground and it's 19-0."

Goalkeeper Baron, on track for the Golden Glove, experienced his worst game ever.
"Never have I conceded that many goals," explained the ex-Bundesliga champion," whether is was outdoor, FAW or this league. I'll obviously be looking at the tapes and seeing what I did wrong. It's hard for a team to win when it's goaltender can't get his shit together."

Pundits were quick to point out that Baron's lack of skill this game was "like a blue moon", but also added:
"Time and time again, the Spartans didn't check their attackers. So the attackers shook off their shadows and had a virtual one on one. If Baron is playing his game, that's acceptable. But if Baron is shakey, like he was, that's a recipe for disaster."

The lone bright spot in all this was Captain J's lone goal.
"Dave, go F**k yourself. You ain't coming out with this Golden Pear, and you ain't even scoring. What gives? You're doing more diving and jive talkin' than actual work on the field."

Although Dave had no comment, he did indicate that he'd bring his game this Sunday against the Royals

We shall see.

QUICK STATS
*******************************
Captain J (1)


Baron 1-0-1 AVG: 4.50


IR:
Mark
Kyle
Anders
Steve

IN OTHER NEWS
********************************
Analysts Craig Forrest and Gerry Dobson recently had something to say about Abe.
"The winger is impressive with his feet, there's no doubt about it. Unfortunately his lack of quick reactions is costing him the Golden Pear. We feel that if we see him use those skills more strategically, he'll be THE striker on the team"

Will the FAW continue to support the Spartans?
Sunday's game saw FAW sensation Dave show some mad skillz on the field.
"I felt like I was 21 years old again. Well, maybe not quite 21, since I had a smaller penis then. But definitely felt as if I was the best man on the field. It simply goes to show that the FAW is second to none in personality or football on field management.

Is Carmen the next best thing for the Spartans?
In a recent interview, former English Captain Beckham had this to say about the star:
"he's got the groove...he's got the moves...he just needs to go with his instincts. He's thinking too much. He's like a well tuned animal out there. He needs to listen to that inner voice.

SPARTANS WIN SECOND OF SEASON

CAPTAIN J FIRES ON ALL CYLINDERS!

Captain J leads the men to victory!

The opening kick off to the Spartan's fourth indoor game was met with jeering and drunken revelry from the crowd. Signs came up early saying "Shittiest Players" and "I wiped my Ass with this jersey." Boos followed each Spartan touch.

"There's a lot of emotion out there," said Captain J," and we just have to play our way, our game."

But the de-motivation seemed to work.
The Spartans completely outplayed their opponents, scoring two early and never looking back.

Netminder Baron, coming off the effects of the flu, was spectacular in net, only allowing one goal in the first, and two in the last minutes of play on 3 on 1 rushes.

"My favourite Baron save was the worm," laughed Tyler, who would be denied on the Golden Pear," he drops to the ground, waves his one arm and crawls with the play. Poor attacker didn't know what to do!"

Captain J seemed to light a collective spark under the good guys, provoking acts of selfless determination. Dave scored a sweet dinger, and Captain J led the way with one, and then one in the second half.

With the Spartans up 3-1, Red fans upped the ante and launched a vicious fight againt Spartan fans. Beer was spilt, chairs overturned and fighting words were spoken. In response, Oshawa Kicks turned off the lights and brought in security. When Spartan fans offered to fight Red fans outside, the latter exited the arena, leaving Spartan fans inside.
"Losers," commented Darryl Simms of the Spartan Fan Club for Men,"did they really think we'd fight them outside while it's raining. Really now."

When the lights came back on, the Spartan momentum seemed to have wavered. The Reds pressed constantly in the last ten minutes, seeing Baron stone them time and time again. Finally, with odds with them, the Reds secured two goals.

In the other end, Carmen got back to his roots, finding the twine on a difficult angle. Abe came close on a few chances, but luck would keep the ex-Porto star off the score sheet.

But at the end, our local heroes completed the day and affirmed to their fans that this will be a season to remember.
"It's all about team work and determination," related Captain J," and today all of us showed it. While I can't promise we'll have it every week, the weeks we do are ones for the win column."

QUICK STATS
********************************
Captain J (2)
Dave (1)
Carmen (1) *** Game Winner ***

Baron 1-0-0  AVG : 3.00

IR:
Anders
Mark
Kyle

IN OTHER NEWS
********************************
Does Trevor have indoor soccer's most powerful kick?
"We're looking into it," said Susan Sharpe of the Kicks,"he's definitely got something there!"

Is Sam worried about his age?
The star Spartan forward is going nude for charity.
"I look good for man in my 70's," laughed Sam," but no one's going to laugh when they see this David Suzuki-esque physique. I'm just sorry they had to air brush a larger leaf in."

Is Dave taking the Golden Pear too seriously?
In half time banter, the highly sought after winger derided Captain J for having a woman's touch on the ball, and a ready made batch of excuses for not scoring.
"I don't really care what he has to say about the scoring," related Dave," he knows I'm better here, and at the FAW. That's why he never seems to make it there."

SPARTANS TO BE FINED

FIFA SAYS "THAT WASN"T FOOTBALL"

Captain J, Dave and Baron in a post game quick exit

The local heroes are in hot water this week, after the ludicrous display exhibited Sunday night.

Commentators Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest had this to say about the seriously flawed outting.
"The Spartans showed no promise, no directive and no heart...overall. There was a terrible mixture of the great and for the most part the worst that soccer can offer. Pundits will point this game out as rock bottom in years to come."

Captain J hurriedly left the arena, pelted by angry fans and non fans alike. Other Spartans left by their own means, usually dressed out of uniform.

But FIFA president Sepp Blatter would not leave this game unnoticed.
"It has come to my attention that the Spartans have passed something on that is not football. Let us be precise. The beautiful game has been tainted into something ugly by them. We are reviewing their position, and have not ruled out fines or expulsion from the league."

FAW Commissioner Campbell issued the following Monday morning:
"Under no circumstances are the players from that game allowed to play on FAW ground until they smarten up and learn how this game is played. It's F!ckin' lame...just so lame...like a two legged dog."

Baron was moved to tears after a call from German legend David Hasselhof.
"He told me to remove his picture from my house, and cancelled our trip to Starr Burger."

Other Spartans have not been seen since the disaster on the 20th, and many have cancelled appearances and charity events to avoid the press.

IN OTHER NEWS
************************************
Did Anders really get lucky last Sunday?
Reports from Spartan trainer Gus Benson indicate the contrary.
"Anders suffered a terrible tear to his ACL. I'm afraid there's not going to be any fun time for him until it heals."

Is SuperStar Dave's new hair colour an indication that he's intent upon winning the pear?
"It's not even the colour of a pear...but yeah, I'm going to suckle on the sweet essence of pear when the season is over."

QUICK STATS
**********************************
Trevor 1-0-2 AVG: 5.00

No Cards

SPARTANS LOSE FIRST OF SEASON

WIN SECOND HALF AFTER OUTPLAYED IN FIRST

A familiar story with a different ending

After the great celebrations in Oshawa last week, fans were a bit disappointed with the outcome of last night's game.
"I came here to drink, fondle unsuspecting women and have a great time," said a fan sign. Unfortunately it was not to be.

Although off to a good start, the Spartans were soon faltering and were down by four at the half.

"Guys, we're out, but not done. Time to even the score and get this back," Captain J was heard saying to the Spartans at half time. His words seemed to work.

In the second half the Spartans shocked their opponents. They dominated the plays and took the ball into the visitor net, scoring three against two returns.

"Overall, I think there's a lesson to this," said Captain J," and that's we can't give up and let them have their way. We lost the first half, but won the second. And that's stuff we'll take to the next game."

QUICK STATS
*****************
Anders (1)
Dave (1)
Tyler (1)

Mark 0-0-1 AVG: 2.00
Trevor 1-0-1 AVG: 4.00

Yellow Cards:
none

Red Cards:
none

IN OTHER NEWS
******************
Superstars Tyler and Dave weren't joking around when they said they were the best players on the team.
"In outdoor I can only hit posts," Tyler commented," but here the nets are smaller and easier to get the ball into."
"I agree," replied Dave, who also had immeasurable issues pocketing twine in outdoor.

What does Anders think about his first goal of the season?
"It's all a daze. I mean, you never think about scoring at this level of football, and there it happens. I'm sure to get laid tonight."

SPARTANS WIN FIRST GAME OF SEASON!!!

MONKEY FINALLY OFF THE SPARTAN BACK


Women are Overjoyed at the Win!!

 Fans of all ages and sexes spilled out into the streets of Oshawa Sunday night and celebrated the win of their local heroes.
"Captain J, all the way!" shouted a group of men who exited the Waltzing Weasel.

"The crowd was boisterous, extremely loud, but well behaved for the most part," revealed Durham Regional Superintendant Hal Snow.

The Spartans started out well, with Dave blasting an early netter for a 1-0 lead. Their opponents came back, and actually led in the final minutes until and exchange of goals made it even at half time.

Sam, brought down in the opponent zone, converted a penalty kick to make it 4-3. Again, the game found itself tied until the Spartans carried the final minutes on their own terms. Abe, receiving a nifty cross, wheeled about, eluded the defense and found the back of the net to score the eventual game winner.

In the end, the good guys were not to be defeated, and enjoyed their 6-4 victory.

"Overall, it's a great day to be a Spartan," said Captain Justin, who was pivotal in moving the plays about, and bringing The Baron out of the net."The Baron had good and bad within the exhibition schedule. But I had a hunch that he would play well up front, and I was right."

Celebrations are expected to peak at 0200h tonight, and wind down by sunrise tomorrow.

QUICK STATS:
*************
Dave (1)
Tyler (1)
Capt J (1)
Sam (1)
Abe  (1) *game winner*
Baron (1)

Trevor 1-0-0 AVG: 4.00

Yellow Cards:
none

Red Cards:
none

IN OTHER NEWS
***************
Oshawa Kicks revealed today that the two previous games were exhibition plays.
"With the new field and new league, it's important for the teams to slowly rev their engines. We feel that this was justified as well due to the reorg of the new teams."

Flop of the Year Chris has declined his position with the Spartans.
"I wasn't feeling it this year, and I didn't need another trophy indicating that I spent a wad of cash just to play four games," commented Chris

Is the Baron ready for a season with the Spartans?
After playing net for the exhibition games, the ex-Bundesliga player looked sluggish but determined, body checking some female players and having three quality shots.
"I play at the behest of Captain J," Baron was heard saying.
Asked about his yell to Thor the Thundergod after scoring, the German said,"it's self explanatory."

SPARTANS MISS THEIR OPPORTUNITY

LOSE ON DEFENSE LAPSES WHILE DOMINATING THE OFFENSE

Last five minutes does them in!

The indoor Spartans officially played their first game of the season Sunday.

"It sucks," commented goaler Baron,"that the League came down on the women for undressing on field. I for one will stand up for their right to choose where to disrobe."

Without a pre game show, the Spartans seemed to be less active when it came to defense.
"All our goals were a product of losing on the defense. We were dominant on the field, no question."

The Spartans had a hard time to put the ball into the net, though. They hit the cross bar more than the goals they actually scored.

Some great chances were missed, but the Spartans actually took the first goal, a nice shot by former Bayern Muenchen player Dave.

Their opponents scored off a shot that Baron seemed to lose in the fray. And then another to bring the score 1-2 against the Spartans.

Off the second half, the Spartans dominated, scoring to tie and then pressing for the next 15 minutes. Their opponents led again off a rebound from Baron's save, but relinquished that seconds later.

The last minutes of the game seemed to see a lot of break downs for our heroes. Baron was caught by a 3 on 1, and minute later a 3 on none.

"Stamina and Defense, that's where we are lacking," said Captain Justin,"and if that's the case, it'll be an easy fix. Count on that!"

IN OTHER NEWS
***************************************
Steve missed his first game due to illness.
"It's just a passing illness."
Pundits were commenting whether of not his tirades of the summer will resurface.
"For the f--kin last time...it was a picture of my foot...not my member I'm not like that Senator from the Americans...weiner was his name.

Captain Justin and the League are in odds after they tampered with the roster.
"We have our team, and we have more than enough. And now they're saying we need more? What other team has 16 players?"

SPARTANS COME CLOSE

LOSE EXHIBITION GAME 5-4 DESPITE LATE RALLY

New Field, New Team, New Purpose

Spartan fans were elated and eager to watch the boys of Fall, Winter and Spring take to the pitch at the new Oshawa Civic Fields.

"This is the greatest moment of my life," said a stunned Baron, as he entered the field and beheld the women's team undressing infront of him on the field," I have never wept so openly. It was like a dream come true."
"We were concerned about him," revealed long time team mate Dave," he just went into a trance...like a man caught in high beams...which I guess he was."

Captain Justin, in his first tenure as a team leader after the incident at Lake Erie in '98, maintained strict discpline for the team.
"We're using this game to find out where we're weakest, and work on these to improve our strengths."

The Spartans seemed to fall into their old habits fast.  In the first half they were down by two.

The Visitors would continue their drives against the netminder Baron, racking up a 4-0 score by the 40th minute.

Captain Justin quickly took charge, and gave an impassionate speech detailing the glorious history of Sparta and what it meant to where the vaunted jersey.

"I have no idea what he said," commented Carmen, who was disturbed to find that Oranges were out of season." But it sure sounded good."

But things turned within the last 7 minutes of play.
Anders, Dave and Carmen all converted passes to the back of the net. A late goal by the opposition in a 3 on 1 gave the visitors a one goal lead that they never conceded.

"Overall, I know that we did really well," Captain Justin stated in a post game interview," and that as we know how each of us will play, we'll roll up the rim and win!"

IN OTHER NEWS:
*******************************************
Where is Carmen?
The Flop of the Year condidate for the Outdoor Spartans was a machine on field. He scored once and had five shots on net.
"I was so angry that there were no Oranges. I mean, c'mon Baron. Make it happen."

Is Baron the new Netminder?
After his seemingly incredible performance in net, Captain Justin and team mate Dave seem to believe that Baron may be the key to the back end.
"He's taller and bigger than Trevor," revealed Captain Justin," and the rules state that the Fat Kid always takes net. Thanks Baron!"

Pundits wonder if former Bayern star Dave will be able to put up numbers like he has in the FAW.
"The FAW is just the dessert for me," a cautious Dave put forth," and the Spartans is my meal. Both are equally important, but fundamentally different."

INDOOR SOCCER STARTS

CAPTAIN JUSTIN HAS "HIGH HOPES"

Taking a Byte outta the Competition

This Sunday, on the world famed Civic Fields on Thornton, the indoor Spartans will begin the climb to fame or infamy.

"I have high hopes," said Captain Justin, who takes over from Captain Ian this year."The team is strong, we have a lot of the outdoor team with us, and a few surprises."

Ex-German National Team player The Baron expressed his excitement about the coming season.
"This is a unique opportunity for us to attone for the disaster that we committed on the pitch in the summer."

With the awards ceremony for the Outdoor Spartans only a week away, many of the summer players will be eyeing their indoor brethern with baited breathe.

"I'm happy for the team," commented Captain Ian as he boarded a plane to his winter residence in San Diego,"and wish them the best of luck...they're going to need it!"

Players should note that uniforms will be distributed on game day, this Sunday. Each member should plan to attend early! Schedules will be released Wednesday, and should be posted by Thursday.

IN OTHER NEWS
**********************************************
Captain Justin, Dave and The Baron are keeping fit playing in the FAW.
"It's a unique experience," stated Commissioner Campbell,"they play so awefull on the summer pitch, but are superstars here. Maybe they should consider baseball for a summer sport."

Will Chris make an appearance in indoor after being nominated for "Flop of the Year?"
"It's a matter of work balance," revealed Chris, who scored his first ever goal this year,"and in the summer I was off balance"

Captain Justin is hoping that Trevor will retain his goal keeping wizardry.
"I'm just happy that the team will have me," replied the Spartan Goal Keeper,"after that missed penalty kick. Dammit Captain, I'm a goalkeeper, not a kicker."

SPARTANS END DISASTROUS SEASON

LOSE PLAYOFFS IN PENALTY KICKS

Is it a bird. Is it a plane? No! It's another Spartan Season!

Another summer has passed us by, and the team has sputtered out another season.

The local heroes fell flat in their final game, coming from behind to lose against a 10 man team in the ensuing penalty kicks 4-3

"The team had a lot of potential," said Captain Ian,"but in the end we did no better than last year. I mean, we did collect two ties, but last year we actually won the first playoff game."

It was another collection of poor football that we've come to associate with the hometown team.

"When the Spartans clicked, they worked the ball well," analyzed Craig Forrest of TSN,"but most of the time, they seemed to beat to their own drum. There were few instances when men actually moved for the easy open pass, or covered a player on the defensive. It was like watching six year olds playing football."

"It's embarrassing when a team of 11 men and 3 subs can't beat a team that started with 9 men on the pitch that actually scored the first goal," commented Gerry Dobson."When the Spartans started playing their positions, and passing, and following the play, they scored. So that's three separate times."

"What the Spartans need to do," mused legendary German National Capper Juergen Klinsmann,"is watch more football. Watch how the great teams do their moves. They have a lot of talent in that Spartans FC team. But the team as a whole sucks, pardon my English. There's no team work. No common sense. It's like most of the men wanted to do their own thing. Not everyone can score that dream goal. But everyone can be a part of that dream goal."

Pele, considered by many to be the best player that ever lived, cited his own opinions on the continuing losing Spartan saga.
"You get these players together of differing postures and abilities. But instead of embracing their strengths, you try to hide them. For example, some players are afraid to get the ball, so they don't shake their defender and get into the open for a quick pass. Or they don't vie for that long ball. Or, even worse, are the skilled players who don't give the lesser skilled players a chance. Mistakes are part of the game, even at my level. But if you learn from each mistake...that's when you make less of them!"

Captain Ian had these final thoughts on the season that passed.
"Overall we did better than last year. There were more goals, and less losses. A lot of things need to be improved upon, but these are things the men are going to have to reconcile on their own. Next season we'll do better, maybe even win a game."

IN OTHER NEWS:
************************************************
Fans were disappointed that the Baron wasn't on the pitch very long. Chants of "we want Baron" went largely unheard.
"I apologize to the fans," said the ex-Bundesliga star,"Seems that there was a mix up on the substitution roster. Although some of the players went through the game without a sub, I had to endure 40 minutes off the field. Next year, that ain't happening."

Superstar Justin is not at all happy with his performance in the game.
"I should have scored more. I have the talent, but not the nerve. Next year it'll all be different. I'm taking the winter to improve my game. Next year you'll definitely see my better game. And no, it doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm a free agent after next season."

Golden Orange Winner Mike underwent a series of painful operations to counteract the hit he took from the team.
"I have the ball, get elbowed in the nose and get a penalty for my efforts. Really...can someone do something about the refs?"

Is aging defender Kyle retiring?
"There's a lot of quality players for this team. But they need something. Not sure what. But things aren't the same when I was younger."

DISORGANIZED SPARTANS LACKLUSTRE IN PLAYOFFS

TEAM LUCKY TO TIE OPPONENTS

Mike does it again and in Style

The Spartans were heavily favoured to win the series between Darlington's worst teams last Sunday. But after the kick off, bookies quickly revised their opinions.

Bowmanville FC scored within the first 10 minutes with a long ball that seemed to catch the wind and blew it into the net just shy of a reaching Trevor.

With the game at 1-0 for the bad guys, the Spartans quickly mobilized and brought the ball to the Bomanville net time and time again.

Superstar Justin let loose a bad shot that started fans chanting "Grandma Justin". A little later the Spartans were at it again, with Mike catching a pass from the Baron to no avail. Dave, an obvious contender for man of the match, gave a long shot that caught the wind and blew it harmlessly away.

At half, the story was pretty much the same as it had been all season, with the Spartans down by a goal.

Some Oranges and inspirational thoughts from Captain Ian seemed to mobilize the boys.

"It was insane," commented Craig Forrest of TSN,"as the Spartans came out of the half break and completely owned Bomanville FC. A few well placed passes. Bomanville FC didn't even touch the ball!"

And it was Mike who would take the ball and tie the game.
"I've been the source of various flops of the week," said Mike,"so I really had to prove that I hadn't lost my touch."

The goal gave the Spartan FC player sole custody of the Golden Orange.

After the goal, the Spartans seemed to sink back into their old habits. Formational discipline foundered, and men remained uncovered. Bowmanville FC owned the pitch by the last half of the last half, creating numerous chances and just unlucky not to score.

"We were lucky to tie," stated Captain Ian," and this should be an indication of what we need to do next week."

NOTES:
*************************************************
Heart throb and amateur singer Sam has announced that he's done for the season due to injury. The often flamboyent mid-fielder brought dance to the otherwise mundane and sterile world of Spartan Mid-Fieldery.
"I'll be back next season. But the body needs to heal, and I wish the team success."

Usually prominent and overpowering, the Baron was notably lower in energy levels.
"I've been battling the flu all week, and it seems to have kept me from performing at my usual best," retorted the former bundesliga star.

Fil, mint sweeper in the last few games, was unavailable for suit up due to a computer error.
"The cab never arrived to pick me up from the airport, so I never made it to my dry cleaners. Unfortunate, but it happens."

Teen sensation Andrew continues to arrive late despite Spartans FC owners demands that he attempt to arrive on time. His signing bonus may be revoked, as well as his weekly allowance for call girls.

INDOOR SOCCER

Team wide email from Justin as follows:

Boys,


Change of plans - the Oshawa Kicks has a Mens 7 vs 7 Sunday Night league. Games will be after 6pm Sunday nights and the cost is $2,550.00 per team if we're registered before Sept. 15 (ie this Thursday). If we register after Thursday it's $2,695.00.

I NEED TO KNOW IF WE ARE SERIOUS - IF YES, I NEED TO DROP OFF A DEPOSIT OF $500 tomorrow TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 13 to ensure we get the cheaper team rate. SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE IN.

For those that have let me know can you reconfirm that you are still in give the change in League/Location/Day we play.

So still looking for about 16 guys, then the cost would be $160 each.

Details on the league are below.

- Mens 7 vs 7 League
- 19 Weeks, including playoffs (Season starts October 30, 2011)
- Includes Jersey, Shorts & Socks

SPARTANS LOSE LAST GAME

SPIRITED EFFORT AGAINST TOP RANKED TEAM

Spartans in their last Bit of the Season!

For the first time in a few seasons, the Spartans are considered early favourites to win the vaunted Loser's Cup.

"Every indication seems to indicate that the Spartans are now at the best level they'll ever be," reported Gerry Dobson of TSN."and this panel is ready to announce a Spartan victory at the Loser's Cup."

"That is," retorted Craig Forrest,"if they can get enough men on the field."

Injuries and absentees have dogged the Spartans in their last few games. The average amount of starters in last five games has been 9.

"We have high hopes," said Captain Ian,"There's no team that can beat us when we're playing at our level. Problem is that we're never there for the whole game."

The 3-1 loss last night had some bright sides. Ex water boy and new comer Andrew was able to score his first of the season after four unsuccessful attempts at the opponent nets. This marks his first appearance on the Golden Orange roster.

The season also ended on a high note, as the Spartans finished the season with more points than last, and less goals against but more goals for.

"I promised an improved season," said Captain Ian,"and that's what we delivered. Next year, I'm aiming for one win. Baby steps is all that we can take."

IN OTHER NEWS
*************************************************************
Baron has shocked many spectators by his improved running. What's the secret of his success?
"I've been taking a regular regimen of sour kraut, rouladen and Holsten Festbok, as well as climbing the CN Tower during my lunches."

SuperStar Justin has fallen on a slump once again. The Spartan Striker has been heavily marked, and was taken off the field by Captain Ian to achieve Zen.
"Not sure what that means, but it really didn't help me any."

Dismo has left the team after a post game scrap with Kyle. Reports indicate that they were at odds with the wording of Plato's Republic.

DEPLETED SPARTANS WORK HARD

LOSS SHOWED THAT THE TEAM IS READY FOR PLAYOFFS

Fil with the Penalty kick...GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

"Despite the 5-1 loss," commented a tired Baron," we came away with our heads up high. The team is coming together, and is twice as good as where we were half season."

Having only 7 men on the field at first whistle, the Spartans were quickly behind 2-0, playing second seeded Durham United. Coupled with the fact that injured Paul had to play in net, things were suprisingly in control.

"They were all over us," said Paul, who made some brilliant saves,"but it's hard to stop a team that has a four man advantage."

The Spartans made it 2-1, when superstar and Golden Orange wannabe Justin kicked a loose ball into the back of the net.
"The goalie lost the ball, and I did what just comes natural!" laughed Justin, only to turn that smile to a frown as the Linesman seemed to over rule the sleeping Ref.

"Although the Referee signalled a goal, and pointed the the centre circle, the play became a muddled mess," an exasperated Gerry Dobson recalled." The Baron kept asking the Ref what was going on, but the Ref kept his busy hands in his pocket and wouldn't answer. Probably because he didn't know. Myabe because he was in a happy place. Either way the man had lost all authority. Someone like that should NEVER be in that position."

With the goal called back by the linesman, the angry Spartans were joined by extra men, eventually getting to 11 by half time.

"Our spirits were high," Dave recalled, munching on Oranges for the first time all season.

"Baron," Anders pointed out," the colour Orange didn't change back. There it is again. Weird."

The Spartans came out in the second half like lions, attacking time after time. A header from Sam came off the post. Steve just missed a shot off the left side, and Mark took a header that just went over the top.

But it would be Fil who would be hauled down in the 18. He quickly converted the shot into a goal.
"It was a goal either way," said the Golden Orange alumni, who now joins the top position.

But the lack of subs and players took their toll on the team. By the 70th minute, Durham United scored three times.
"The guys have done their part," conceded Baron," but there's just no way we can keep up with no subs and a depleted roster."

"Overall Gerry, the Spartans did remarkably well for a team with 6 in the IR. If things continue on this course, we will see a new Loser's Cup champion, and hope for a win next season," predicted Craig Forrest.

IN OTHER NEWS
****************************************************
Goalkeeper Trevor has finished his 2 game suspension for punching a fan.
"he asked me to do my best Hulk impersonation, so I jump up and smash him! Hulk good"

Mark continues to amaze fans with his patented "fake retreat and attack" move.
"I studied this from the 1932 FIFA tournament. Seemed to work well there, and certainly works great here"

Lyons has asked Abe to join their roster for a friendly against Lille this Wednesday.
"Abe has a unique corner kick shot, and that's what we're looking for in our special teams"

Carmen continues to improve. Fans are excited on seeing his new look.
"I've been questioning myself, and lacking confidence. So now I just drink before the game and loosen up. It's worked wonders!"

INDOOR SOCCER ALERT

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN BOWMANVILLE INDOOR COMPETITION

The Spartans will rule the Indoor Circuit!

After our game last week a couple people mentioned they'd like to play Indoor this year. So I contacted the Bowmansville Men's League co-ordinator and even though it's past the deadline they just had a team drop out. So if we'd like to get a team together I currently have a spot on hold.


I need to confirm if we are putting in a team by next week. At that time I just need to put down a Team deposit of $250 and then we have some flexibility of getting in the rest of the team fee $2,950. Total Team fee = $3,200. The player Registration deadline was Monday, September 12th but they are giving us an extension, so we have sometime if we want to get a team together.

Season: October to April (20 x games)
Game Nights: Fridays - 8pm to 11pm with 10 pm weeknight games rotated through the week (Likely Wednesdays)
Total team fee: $3,200 (Maximum – 25 players per team) - Ideally, I'd like to have at least 20 players. So player fees would be $160.00 each.
NOTE: The Darlington Soccer Club DOES NOT supply uniforms - Teams must supply there own

For all those interested please send me an email (JUSTIN) as soon as possible. I'll need a firm commitment from people if they are interested as I will need to start collecting money shortly and get the registration forms completed.

We can also discuss further at out game on Monday. If we have enough interest from our Spartan team we can keep it to just us, however, if we don't I'm not opposed to having individuals, friends, referrals or new people join the team. So if you have any friends that are interested just let me know.

SPARTANS LOSE IN ADMIRABLE LOSS

NINE MAN TEAM KEEPS IT CLOSE!


It's another loss...this time with an undermanned team!

In their 8-4 loss Sunday, the Spartans had some good cheer despite the obvious drubbing.

Despite only having seven to start, rising to nine in the first 10 minutes, and then 11 by half, only to lose 2 due to injuries, our local heroes managed to score four times. A fifth chance was denied by shotty officiating, which affected both sides in this lobsided match.

"The horrific or lack of officiating," commented Gerry Dobson on his Spartans Blog," caused the Baron to beg on his hands and knees that the linesmen would actually care about the game."
Gerry went on to describe how the linesmen were never in position, and on one crucial offside, the linesman was busy adjusting his uniform  half a field away.
"It's just disgusting that these guys are getting paid for this!"

The greatest story about this game was the fact that the Spartans held their more numerous opponent to a 2-2 tie at half time. Quick thinking goals by Dismo and super Star Justin kept their opponents continuously guessing and off balance.

"After the Ref took Mark off the field for a jewellry infraction," said uber icon Justin,"and they scored with us down two men, I took offense. Literally. Got that beauty. Watch out Mike and Fil, the Golden Orange is mine!"

While conducting a valiant game, the well rested Gunners FC soon outlasted the Spartans. They scored six goals, forcing an injured Paul out of the game and old Number One Goalie Mark in.

"It was obvious after the second goal that Paul was favouring that separated shoulder," Craig Forrest showed on the Telestrator,"but he hung in to the last! Well done."

But local hero and saint, Justin, would not be denied. Again, after a horrible call denied him, he scooped the ball and sent it to the back of the net.
"Should have been a hattie," said the smiling striker, who's return to the game was much antipated."That Golden Orange has long been a target. Even during my translucent descent to tranquility and a bottle of Tequila, the aura of the Golden Orange kept me going. It's like being in the womb of a good looking woman."

A long and beautiful shot by Chris led him to the Golden Orange roster. The first for him of the season, Chris vowed to "Play atleast one more game."

"We always seem to play a very good game with the core that shows up game after game," revealed the Baron,"That's a good foundation...and that's what will win us the playoffs."

IN OTHER NEWS:
**********************************************************
Long time Spartan Pat has decided to hang up the boots for this season. No official comment was made, but rumours have it that he has accepted a posting with the Blue Man Group.

Teen Heart Throb Tyler is most likely out for the season. Having cracked some bone in his ankle, doctors have urged him to rest and drink plenty of calcium enriched juices.

Fil was named third star in end game festivities. The young forward took up the sweeper position and was rock solid in execution, despite an own goal.

Sam continues to gather interest in Europe. German team 1860 Muenchen has been watching his play, and they seem genuinely interested in offering the 24 year old a sit in contract.

BAD ATTITUDES SINK SPARTANS

LACK OF DISCIPLINE ENDS PLAYOFF HOPES

Chirping and Bad Blood Abounds!

"It's just shocking," said fans after the 4-1 total breakdown of our heroes Sunday night under the lights."I mean, we had the game won."

The Spartans were well on their way to their first win of the season and keeping a slim hope alive for the playoffs. Leading 1-0 at half time, players were energized and excited. Dismo, newly acquired from San Diego, scored a nice goal after a nice play initiated by The Baron. Oranges were consumed, and players were set to record history.

The Destroyers quickly equalized, and then the linesman fumbled a hand ball call on Dave. With the ball bouncing between the two after an unsuccessful header attempt, the Linesman erroneously awarded a "penalty shot" to the Destroyers.

"There's no way that was a hand ball," shouted an angry Baron. The Ref later agreed with the ex-Borussia Dortmund player, but at that moment, the Destroyers converted and discipline broke down.

"It's a classic tale of emotions getting in the way of a quality comeback," said Gerry Dobson of TSN."I mean, really. Are men supposed to act like this? To give up with 30 minutes left on the clock? If that's the case, maybe they shouldn't be playing at all."

Things furthered heated up when exchanges were made between Spartan players.

"If you're going to dish it out at some point," said Craig Forrest of TSN,"you're going to get it back...usually when you don't want to hear it. So either grow a pair, stay at home, or shut the F--k up next time!"

The loss cemented an otherwise dismal season for the Spartans, who yet again disappointed fans after such high hopes months earlier.

Some will question the leadership of Captain Ian and The Baron. Some will question other players who may not have skills or heart. In the end, each man on the team must take some measure of blame.

"Soccer is a team game," commented long time fan Juergen Klinsmann,"if a team fails, it's not due to one person, or positional group. It's because the team didn't learn to operate within the confines of its limitations."

Captain Ian was more thought provoking.
"It's not about losing. It's about losing when we should have won. It's about the breakdown in discipline. Everyone has a job to do. When we do it, we end up with a winning edge. When we break down, that's when the weaker teams beat us."

IN OTHER NEWS
****************************************
Juan Antonio Smith has announced that former Golden Orange chaser Fernando is done for the season.
"My client is depressed and on a steady mix of drugs to settle him down," said Juan,"and he wants to thank the fans for all their support this year."
Chants of "We love you Fernando" gave way to a cheesy rendition of ABBA's song of the same name.
"I love the fans, and my team mates," revealed a distraught Fernando,"and we'll see you all next year."

Midfielder Abe will be filing a complaint against the FAD concerning the actions of Destroyer players.
"You can't go around saying that you'll punch other players and not get a card," a frustrated Abe told reporters,"I mean, the Ref is right there and doesn't do anything! What kind of Ref is that?"

Former Golden Orange recipient Fil is back on the pitch after a month off.
"Some people go to reinvent themselves. I go to have a great time and return home to recuperate!" laughed Fil during the post game interview.

A HERO'S JOURNEY

SUPERSTAR JUSTIN 'REINVENTS' HIMSELF

The Man, The Motive, The Mission

Reporters were on hand in the early hours as the red eye landed, containing super star Justin, dressed in yellow and black robes and sporting a long beard.

"I've been to places most mortal men fear to tread," said the smiling and refreshed Spartan striker."The reports of my death were greatly exaggerated."

Justin revealed, that after missing 11 open nets in his last game, he needed to find his roots.

The map took us to the Caribbean, where Justin made his first stop. On a liquid only diet, Justin imbibed many exotic forms of alcohol, putting himself (as the super star called it) 'on the line between spirituality and passing out'.
"In this state, I was able to see clearly the previous mistakes I made. I was able to formulate how I should have done it. It was very sobering."

From there, a plane took him to the mountains of the Andes, where Justin ran the length of the mountain ranges in just a few days.
"It's all about governing my body...not my body governing me. My body made me miss those 13 shots. So now I tell my body to go F--k itself."

Finally, under exhaustian and dehydration, the Spartan super star achieved total zen on the top of the highest mountain. Braving snows, Yeti and the vultures, he had found his moment.
"It was humbling. After all...I'm the best there is out there. I could play for Borussia Dortmund, Real Madrid, Manchester United. But I'm here to lend my support to the Spartans. And that it where it all became clear. Maybe it was the mushrooms, maybe my body falling into hyperthermia. But I achieved total peace and clarity."

With the return of Spartan great Justin, tickets are selling off in quick batches for this Sunday's game.
"Justin is so sexy," said one fan who spent 2 hours in the wrong line up for Spartan tickets at TicketMaster.

Captain Ian was more contemplative.
"Well, he really can't get any worse. I'll be the first to congratulate him if he starts earning the money I pay him."

SPARTAN COMEBACK STYMIED

THOR BRINGS THE THUNDER, RAIN AND LIGHTNING TO END GAME

God of Thunder, God of Rain, Earth shaker who feels no Pain!

Thor, God of the Norse pantheon, was not amused with the Spartan effort Sunday.
"I've been awaiting for the Baron to score on my name," rumbled Red Beard."He honoured my father, Odin, with a goal. And now there has been nothing. I am not amused."

"We played a good game last night," commented Captain Ian,"and I think Thor was a bit upset on his portrayal in the Marvel films movie. Which is understandable. I mean, really, a blonde Norse god?"

Things started off horribly for the Spartans, who were down two men initially. They conceded two quick goals until reinforcements, albeit late, arrived on scene to help out.

Then Penalty Pete, the Referee who always gives out penalty shots against the Spartans, ruled the day. It was quickly converted into a goal.

"Penalty Pete and I had words," an angry Baron told reporters."He questioned my ability to have knowledge on the game. I agreed, but retorted that he has awarded a penalty shot against us every game but one. Now that's something for which he had no comeback."

Captain Ian, sensing the momentum switch to the Spartans, quickly donned shin pads, shirt, shorts and socks like some 1940's serial comic book hero.
"I just had to act. Although my knees are shot and I drank too much and I have Judo injuries, I figured that I could do something. Even a warm body to help the guys rest."

And the time came where the Spartans were on a level not seen in two years. Former goalkeeper and speedster Mark netted his first ever goal.
"In games past I would have my share of own goals. This time, I had a beauty."

Fans agreed. It was a sexy goal that was probably the best one of this year.
"I love the Golden Orange" laughed one fan,"and now Mark has a taste of it's sweet nectar!"

And then the clouds opened up with such anger, that the Refs retreated themselves and players alike to their cars.

"Can we be happy with the 3-1 loss?" asked Captain Ian," I think we can more relish in the fact that once we had 11 players on the field, we were owning the game. A full game would have seen us win, I'm certain of that. And that's a big step for the future."

IN OTHER NEWS
************************************************
SuperStar Justin hasn't been heard from in days. In a broken message, the Spartan superkid indicated that "I must find my roots" and "only a spiritual journey will mend my performance".

Is Paul the spokesperson for Ontario Beef? After a near goal on Sunday, Paul was caught eating Burger after Burger, complete with cheese, mustard, relish and a dab of tartar sauce.
"C'mon", responded the young mid fielder,"I drank too much the night before. Burgers beat the bends."
And so does your Z-24 Paul.

Has Carmen found his funk?
Former Spartan Golden Asperagus winner hasn't scored since last year.
"I haven't found my groove just yet. Hopefully I didn't leave it on the bus or something."

SPARTANS GET BETTER

LAPSE FOR FIRST PART OF SECOND LOSES GAME

Fans polled would rather stay home and play Xbox

"Except for a 20 minute lapse, we played some of the best football in the season," said the Baron, taking the Captain's band for a vacationing Captain Ian."Not sure what happened there. But each of us needs to review their own performance and see how we can improve for next game."

The 5 - 3 loss did not indicate the improved play of the men on field. For the first time since the 7 - 2 drubbing weeks ago, new goal scorers hit the sheet.

"I'm just happy to finally get my name under the Golden Orange," commented Anders, who equals his record from last year."I love to see how our site high lights the Golden Orange. I mean, every time I say Orange, or Golden Orange, the colour changes. See...Orange...does it again. Amazing!"

Sam, his first goal since the playoffs last year, was more philisophical.
"Anders must have had some puff the magic dragon. Me? I'm just ready to see how my amazing talents will be utilized in the future."

Emerging star Mike completed his takeover of the Golden Orange with his penalty kick conversion, after being sandwiched and crunched to the pitch.
"Baron kept making fun of my last penalty kick. So I thought I'd make sure this time. And guess what...it went in!"

The loss, though, creates some sour moments for the improving Spartan team. Their magic number has been reduced to 3. Should they lose 3 games out of six, or Village Inn Harps win three out of their six, the Spartans will once again vie for the coveted "Loser's Cup".

"We've done well this year," revealed Baron,"having broken our record last year for ties and goals. Now the team will rise to the challenge."

IN OTHER NEWS
************************************************************
Superstar Justin has taken a leave of absence from the team after a fall out with Captain Ian during last game's fracas.
"I don't need anyone to tell me how I missed 11 open nets. I know. And that's why I need to go on my own journey of revelation. Get back to my roots. Do some drinking and drug use. Productive stuff, you know."

Where has the sexy gone?
Defender Kyle has some explaining to do. After winning last year's 'Sexiest Tackle', the defender hasn't thrown out something mouth watering all season.
"F--- off," Kyle told reporters."I'm tired and you'll see something when I'm ready."

Fans have been wondering where Andrew has been this season. After playing for the Spartans, the new aquisition has been strangely absent.
"In all honesty, I've been volunteering my services in battling the forest fires in Northern Ontario. It's refreshing to get into the Great White North, get rugged and go au naturale."

HARD WORKING SPARTANS LOSE

VICTORY LOST BY BAD SHOTS!

Baron takes another hit for the Team!

"I'm a top goal scorer from Europe," an irate Justin commented in a post game interview," and this is just not acceptable."

Despondant after a brilliant game, super star Justin had good reasons to question his ongoing drought with the Spartans. After 15 caps with Manchester, in which he netted six goals, the Spartan forward was unable to connect with the back of the net despite 7 open net chances. He did manage to score on the penalty shot awarded to him after being taken down in the 18.

"We're proud of Justin," said Captain Ian,"atleast he has one up on me."

The Spartans were not without their flubs. In their 4-2 loss, all but one goal was due to error. One particular error came from the linesman, who forgot that three offside men amounted to an automatic offside call.

Mike and Sam both copied Justin, and missed open nets in an effort to chase the Golden Orange. But Mike would have the last laugh. Off a nicely placed header by the Baron, Mike was able to move past the Motley Crue defenders and score a gorgeous goal.

"It may have been my best ever," rejoiced Mike, who quickly quelled rumours that he would never appear on field without Fil present."That's just junk...I'm sharing the Golden Orange right now, and plan to take it from my former hero and claim fame. After all, the women love a pocket full of oranges, don't they?"

Former great, the Baron, held back in the defensive role this game, nevertheless took some mighty hits for the team, blocking two on net shots and one flying striker.
"All in a day's work," laughed ex-Borussia Dortmund player Baron,"it'll take more than a little ball or player to put me away!"

Other players were quick to capitalize on the growing confidences of the Spartans.
Carmen saved a certain goal, and quickly moved it up the field.
Abe, on a tear after returning from an injury, had a few quality shots on net, including one that just went wide.

"Overall," said Captain Ian,"I think our team is ready to move to the next step. We're looking better out there, and who knows when our next win will come."

IN OTHER NEWS:
*********************************
Reports from Oshawa General Hospital indicate that Centre Back Rocco may be out for a few weeks due to reconstructive surgery on his knees. Said Rocco,"I got a donor, who promised more bounce in my step. We'll see how that translates on the field"

Ex-GoalKeeper Mark continues to astound those watching him. In recent play he has perfected the "ball through the legs and run" technique. "It's ultimately the most sexy move on the field," assesssed Mark. In a recent poll, 38% of women and 15% of gay males tend to agree

Ex-GoalKeeper and numerous award winner Oliver Kahn had this to say about Spartan Keeper Trevor: "He reminds me of myself many years ago. He has the anger but not the focus. He needs to buy my training video and uncover the hidden talents within his form."

STEVE RETURNS

HE PROMISES LOTS OF GOALS, MOSTLY ON THE OTHER NET!

Steve makes it to a popular card game!

"I'm just happy to be able to walk," commented Steve as he exercised on the treadmill for five minutes."I'm on a steady regimen of potato chips and pop. I'm ready. I mean, when else in my life have I been so fit in my life? Yeah, maybe in my twenties, but my member was smaller back then."

Spartan fans and supporters have been hoping for this moment ever since the prized defender was injured clipping his toes nails.

"And of course," recalled Captain Ian,"there was that internet scandal where Steve was sending pictures of his member to whoever wanted to watch. I thought the pictures were of a mushroom, but I guess Steve has some Asian in him."

"For the last time!" an annoyed Steve yelled at reporters," the picture was my big toe. And it was cold that day, not that I send pictures of myself like that Wiener guy in the States."

Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest were intrigued by the developments in the Spartan back end.
"Forget all the Toronto FC hype," commented Gerry,"Steve will complete the back line, and allow the likes of superstar Justin and ex-Bundesliga player Baron to set up and score."
"That's right Gerry," Craig agreed on TSN at 6,"The Spartans should be pumped for their first game of the second half of the season."

TicketMaster reports that sales are high on the expected return, stating that almost 11 tickets have sold.

NO GAME CIVIC WEEKEND

LORD SIMCOE HATED FOOTBALL

Spartan Hater...joke's on you this week

The Civic Holiday, known in years past as Lord Simcoe Day, will mean the end of the first half of the season.

It was well known that General John Graves Simcoe had a great dislike of football, despite being British.
"Elizabeth," he opened in a letter before his death,"I have played this game of kick ball for years. Against the French, against the Iroquois, against Prussian immigrants. Although the drunken revelry of the post game appeals to one's basic spirits, the entire function is totally unbecoming a man of rank."

Lord Simcoe's team, The Chiefs, was the worst of the Upper Canada League. It continuously set new records of destitution, and appeared in a book by the poet Goethe entitled "The Sadness of the Game is Afoot." Beethoven would eventually pen the depressing 17th Symphony after reading through the results of the disastrous sports adventure.

TRIVIA FACTS:
**************
The Civic Holiday is not a true holiday in the sense that workers are given time and a half or a day in lieu.

The Civic Holiday is actually named differently depending upon where you are in Ontario. For instance, Oshawa celebrates the day as McLaughlin Day.

Although RS McLaughlin designed and manufactured Canada's first automotive industry, he preferred long walks with his dogs and smoking a cigar.

TURNING VICTORY INTO DEFEAT

ABSENT SPARTANS CONTRIBUTE TO LOSS

Superstar Justin with fumes in the Tank

"You get what you give," were the words from Sparta FC owners after the 3-0 loss by a depleted Spartan side."The guys that let us down this game were the ones that didn't show up and didn't let us know."

"I have nothing but respect and admiration for the guys on the pitch today," said an injured Captain Ian, who will spend atleast a month on the IR list."We started with 10 men, and we were the better team until the gas ran out in the 70th minute."

Commentators Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest, long time Spartan fans had this to say about the loss.
'Each and every member of the fielded team showed heart. They understood the enormity of the situation and didn't despair. Even after the second goal, each man showed his stones and dug deep. In the end, Captain Ian should be proud of the fact that his guys never gave in, and kept going till the end.'
Craig had this to add:
'There's no doubt that a full Spartan Team would have tied or won the game. It's not to say that the win would have been easy, but with the movement up front and the confidence in the back, it was difficult to say that the Village Harps would have mustered a win.'

SPARTANS LOSE 1-0

REF SINGLE HANDEDLY DETERMINES GAME FATE AGAINST SPARTANS

These officials are worthless

"Shame! Shame!" were the shouts from the Baron and Spartan fans after the Ref and Linesmen colluded in giving 'Rovers the win.

"I have asked FAD to look into this incident. Not much we can do now, but atleast garbage officiating will no longer be tolerated at this level of professionalism.

Early in the game, the Ref awarded up and coming superstar Mike a free kick, which the Spartan converted into a nifty goal. The Ref shook his head seconds later, indicating for the first time that the kick was indirect.

Not to be outdone, when a Stone Throw's Rovers player fell over his own feet outside the 18, the linesman and Ref awarded a penalty shot which quickly went in.

Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest were not about to let that ludicrous call go unchallenged.
"It was so obviously NOT a penalty, that we're including this play in our video 'how not to officiate'"

Baron, taking over from Captain ian who was partying with the European Cup Women's Players, was beyond reprehension.
"When the Linesman told me it was within the 18, I asked him where the 18 was, since the grass was burnt out and there were no lines. I was told at that point that he didn't need to. That's the type of officiating we had to deal with."

Although our local heroes were continuing well with their ongoing improvements, there were still issues that stopped the team from trouncing the 11 man opponent squad.
"It's getting there," commented Craig Forrest."My prediction is that the Spartans will record some wins in the second half. Of course, I also predicted that Canada would score a goal in their World Cup appearance. So take that for what it's worth."

IN OTHER NEWS
***************
Defender and former Goalkeeper Mark will be practicing for the FAD 100m sprint.
Said Mark,"I have no idea how to play soccer, but I can run."

Defender Paul was back in the lineup after a separated shoulder.
"It hurts a bit, but it's not like I need my arm for playing. After all, didn't Beckenbauer play a WC overtime on a separated shoulder?"

Rumours continue that Captain Ian may fake an injury to end his season and join long time sweet heart Julia Simic.
Revealed Ian,"I saw her in that awesome Playboy article, and had my people call her people. Simply put, I find German women sexy and sensual, especially when they use their native tongue."

SPARTANS TIE GAME

IS THIS THE END OF THE BEGINNING?

Spartan Fans are Fil'd with Joy

In a game that would never be remembered, the League's two worst teams went to battle for the distinction of worst team.
"I was full of hope," said Ian,"that this would settle things once and for all. It didn't"

In a lobsided encounter, the Spartans were all over their opponents. But it was Bowmanville FC that scored first.
"I never expected a crappy shot like that to go in," related Trevor, who took goal for Mark,"so I guess he looked pretty good. Glad I could be of help."

Fil, never one to mince words or miss a chance, scored to tie the game up.
"Mike, Fernando, Baron. They can have all the little goals that don't mean much. They can score for Germany, Portugal, Australia, or any other European team," he laughed,"but when it comes down to eat, I'll be the one with the Orange."

With the formation holding, and the Spartans having numerous chances, including another flub by super star Justin, the Spartans went into the half time with a confidence never before felt.

"It was almost as good a feeling as when Baron scored that goal in the '10 playoffs," remembered Pat, who stuffed down prime Saragossan Oranges.

But the second half looked more or less the same as the old Spartans. A bad play between the defence and goalkeeper left Spartan fans aghast as the bad guys went up by one.
"As I told you before, Baron, this was not a bad play by the defence, it was a simple bad judgement call." countered Ian in a post game beer fest.

With the minutes winding down, all eyes went to Chris, who had a bullet knocked out of play.
"I'll never have another kick like that again," wept Chris, who had eyes on atleast making the listing for the Golden Orange once in his career.

But it would be Fil's side kick Mike who would net the tie goal, on a semi pretty play that completely fooled the enemy goalkeeper.
"It was a great goal," commented Mike," don't listen to the commentary Baron is making up"

As the season nears the half way point, fans and players alike wonder if this marks the end of the losing season.

"We shall see," reflected Captain Ian,"If the lads continue to learn from their past mistakes, we should make a fine team for the second half of the season."

Next Winning Game gets a picture!

IN OTHER NEWS
Goalkeeper Mark will spend a two game suspension in Morocco.
"Not sure why I'm suspended," returned Mark,"but I'm game, and will enjoy the fine scenery at the Moroccan beaches."

The Baron has been approached by writers to do a movie about his life.
"I'm always happy to help others achieve fame," projected the Baron," and utilizing my German-Canadian fame can only help these budding young filmers."

Carmen is gaining fans in his recent revival of skills. In a recent Oshawa this Week poll, Carmen was picked most likely to win "Mediocre Player of the Year".

Pat and Carmen were pulled apart after fistacuffs were thrown in the Spartan change room.
"I'm gonna win that award! Not you, not any of the other bitches!" Pat yelled in anger.
Suspensions may be pending.

LUDICROUS DISPLAY DISMANTLES SPARTANS

LITTLE SHINE IN DISMAL 7 - 2 DRUBBING.

Goalkeeper Mark is not happy with the Turkey Shoot against him!

In yet another great display of soccer, the Spartans managed to go down three early goals and never recovered.

Don Cherry, on hand as a request from the Baron, was pleased with the game.
"You see here kids," said a gesticulating Cherry,"this is a great teaching aid for you. Never play like the Spartans. It's a text book case of how not to conduct a football match. Football, soccer, kickity kick ball. Whatever you pinko commies call it. If ain't a stick and puck you're not even up to snuff with women hockey players."

As Grapes was hustled off the field by the political correctness committee, Captain Ian offered a few words of support.
"We did some good things out there. Mostly bad things. But some good things...though I can't recall them this instant."

The spotlight was definitely on ex Bundesliga star the Baron. Working with superstar Justin, the wrestler turned footballer found the back of the net after a nifty flick from Justin.
"I saw Baron there, and thought, what the hell, he might just score," laughed Justin."Never thought he would, but I've seen worse in Soccer."

Fernando, who once promised to snatch the Golden Orange from Fil's open mouth, joined in the race.
"Baron's goal was as ugly as that sh!tty pass he made. Takes a great player to convert that play and make it something beautiful. Baron's goal was more like the Fat chick you take home at the end of the night at the bar." chastised the former Portuguese National Team player.

Not to be outdone, great efforts were made by Dave and Justin.
"I'm not sure how the goalie caught that," reflected Dave,"but next time he won't."

Superstar Justin was even more reflective.
"Look, if I really wanted it to go in, I wouldn't have tapped it like a six year old girl. I choose the time and place for my goals. Not the players, not the team, and definitely not the fans who look like they need some time at the gym. Like look at my chiseled body and sexy looks."

While the offensive was working on three out of four cylinders, the defense was chugging along on two, mainly thanks to the hearts of Pat and Carmen.
"I really need to win that Mediocre Player of the Year award," recited Pat."It's just going to be difficult with some of the competition this year."

Carmen paused during this interview and stared into some place within the air as he recounted his conversation with the Baron an hour before.
"I was all pumped, and the Baron tells me that if I don't play with heart he's going to sacrifice me to Odin...or was it Thor. Either way I thought it better to give it my all, just in case you know."

As usual, Captain Ian was very optimistic.
"We played 20 minutes of quality football...where the formation held and we worked as a team. That beats last game's record of 15 minutes."

IN OTHER NEWS

Durham College may sue the Spartans for damages incurred to their superstar midfielder Paul.
"Captain Ian's total disregard for our agreement will result in our players being recalled." said George Mendez of Durham University. When asked about whether flowers were sent to Paul's home, George simply said," Franz Beckenbauer played with a dislocated shoulder in the '68 world cup. Looks like Paul's not ready to take that step. And that's Ian's fault once again."

Defender Kyle may be suspended after a ruckus at Bitmores.
"All I know is that I had a lot to drink and the rear end I pinched wasn't Rocco's, and suddenly these women were kicking the crap out of me. What? Well, Rocco looks good in jeans. No...I was up north this Sunday..why?

Jurgen Klinsmann, who recently secured famed midfielder for Toronto FC was recently asked if he could improve the Spartans.
"I've done a lot of miracles for the Germans and Toronto. But the Spartans...well...that miracle is out of their price range."