Spartans Lose Playoffs

Spartans take a shot around the net

BLOWOUT ENDS HOPES
With a picture perfect day, the Spartans hoped to win or tie their Bowmanville FC opponents to take the coveted "Loser's Cup".
"Guys, let's remember that although we don't have enough men on the team this late in the season, we can still pull off something like last week," said an energized Captain Ian.
It wasn't long for the massacre to start.
"It's a disappointment all around," said star Anders,"no oranges for half time. What's the point?"
With many Spartan FC players missing, including last game's star and beloved "the Baron", the team this week was a pale comparison of last game's super stars.
"Where's the Baron?" many in the stands shouted, as the local heroes went down in a volley of shots.
"There were numerous incidents," said parking attendent Luis Phillipe," as Spartan fans left the game without taking the grocery bags from their heads."
With the game lost by such a large margin, many Spartan players looked towards next year.
"Next year will be different," said Captain Ian, who has taken an elite squad to the indoors."We'll train a bit harder in the winter, focus on kicking balls into the net, and acquire some defending tips."
And thus ends the worst season for the Spartans ever. Let's hope next year they can find the magic they held in the first playoff game again.

Carmen scores the last goal

Golden Orange hits FEVERED Pitch

Fil's Fans plan a Night Cap!

FLURRY OF GOALS SPARKS SPARTANS!
"I don't know what happened," remarked an astonished Captain Ian, who's lads posted their first win in convincing style,"One moment we're down 4-2, the next we win the game!"
Reporters and fans alike were overjoyed to see the Spartans finally break out in their first playoff game.
"It was a cavalcade of netters!" said Captain Heaney of the FAW, joining the game in downtown Darlington at Joe's Pub.
"All the goals were sexy," commented one woman, who promised to go naked on the next hat trick.
Fil took the lead on the Golden Orange, after scoring not one, but two goals in the first half.
"Scoring goals is easy," related Fil," getting to the net is more difficult."
But the Golden Orange leader didn't have much trouble getting up the field with the likes of Anders, the Baron, Fernando and Sam. All played integral parts in putting the run on Bowmanville FC.

Anders to Sell new line of Bras?

Anders, always a force within the midfield, decided upon a new strategy.
"I'm always trying to score with a header, bicycle kick, foot sweep, with no results. This time I took a trick from Ernst Mueller of the '68 German team...shoulder to ear to net!"
Astonished with the wildly entertaining goal, onlookers shouted their approval as the Spartans closed within one goal.

Yes, it's a bit cold on the field

Sam, just returning after a long hiatus in Japan, showed just how good he could be. As the Baron and Sam jockeyed within the 18, Fil's long drive caught Sam's own direction into the net.
"It's my first goal, and I'm happy to join the elite on the Golden Orange roster!" Sam yelled, as he shook his fist in joy, tying the game up.


What Fans have been waiting for...

 As the minutes died down, the tie game was becoming furious. With the momentum clearly with Sparta FC, Sam took the ball into the 18. The Baron and Fernando took up positions. But this day would clearly go to the ex-Bundelsiga star of the 80's.
"It was the perfect pass," remarked one onlooker.
"I thought the Baron was having an epileptic seizure," laughed Fernando, who was gladly denied on this day.
With a perfect jockeying with an attacking defender, the Baron seized the ball and pocketed it on the lower right corner, securing the 5-4 victory.
"I feel like a million euros!" yelled the big German, who knelt and thanked Thor for the offering.



It's time...BABY! YEAH!

  Just after the mob of Spartans had congratulated their scorer, Pat streaked across the field.
"I've been waiting all year for this!!" the hopping and jumping Pat said."GO Baron!!!"
"It was absolutely disgusting," confirmed Captain Ian," I guess Pat proved who was the bigger man in vulgar fashion..."
With the Golden Orange race set to just one game, and so many contestants, no one knows who will win.
"But one thing is for certain," said Captain Ian,"We won a game through team work and tenacity, and that's what will win us the playoffs!"

SPARTANS WIN!

Fans Riot After Game in Downtown Darlington!

 LATE GOAL SPARKS UPSET
Gerry Dobson and Craig Forrest were running commentary for this game!

Gerry: It was a scene like no other...except of course from a Hollywood depiction where the underdogs win when it counts the most.
Craig: Things were tense early on, as the Spartans were poised to field a 9 man team. By whistle, they had 11 men, featuring a hobbling Kevin who somehow managed to play despite a light fracture.
Quick Clip: "Baron kept on calling me a girl," said Kevin,"I'd kick his ass if he wasn't so scarey...so I decided to play just to show him."
Gerry: It looked bad for the Spartans early, when Bowmanville FC scored on the offside. It was quickly waved off.
Craig:From there, the offensive spirit that is Sparta took over. Fil, Anders, Baron, Fernando and Sam all made quick and deliberate attacks. While the Baron came close with a line save by Bowmanville FC, it was fan favourite Fil that opened the scoring with a bullet.
Gerry: Bowmanville came back, with a lucky shot that became an own goal.
Craig: But Fil would not be denied this game. He shot up the field after a near miss by the Baron from Anders, and levelled the goalkeeper with another hard shot.
Gerry: A clever shot by Bowmanville ties it up in the last minutes of the first half.
Craig: That's right Gerry...a wonderful shot that just misses the fingers of GoalKeeper Mark.
Gerry: Half time featured lots of Oranges and high fives.
Craig: Unlike the beginning of the second Half. The Spartans look like they are back to their old tricks.
Gerry: Two goals...bad ones. It looks like total defeat is on hand.
Craig: But don't count out the Spartan offence!
Gerry: Baron, Fernando, Anders, Fil and Sam go on a rampage!
Craig: First Anders. A crazy header that totally beats the Bowmanville goaltender.
Gerry: It looks like a drunken monkey head butt!
Craig: Ugly, but it's a goal. 4-3.
Gerry: And minutes later. The Baron is yelling for the ball from Fil. Fil puts a pass right across the Bowmanville defenders and into the waiting Sam, who pockets the ball. 4-4!
Craig: The crowd is going wild. Can the Spartans keep the tie going into end game.
Gerry: A simple answer...no.
Craig: Again, the attack comes in. Fernando to Fil, to Sam, who sees the Baron being roughed up by a defender. The pass! Baron moves past the defender, turns quickly and blasts a low ball into the net.
Gerry: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Craig: The Baron is mobbed by his team after a short battle cry to Thor.
Gerry: It's scarey to watch, but the German Forward comes through.
Craig: A late run by Bowmanville.
Gerry: But this time the Spartans run like a well oiled machine.
Craig: Our reporter Jeff is in downtown Darlington. Jeff, what's it like.
Jeff: Craig, I'm here amid carnage and flames. The Spartan fans are razing the city in celebration for their heroes.
Gerry: What's the general mood down there.
Jeff: Women are going naked, painting themselves with the numbers of their favourite Spartan players. There's an elation here that I just can't explain.
Craig: Well, looks like we lost the feed.
Gerry: But we haven't lost the Spartans! What a game. See you next week as Bowmanville FC attempts to take the Aggregate Series.

Spartans are Bitches

Beckham promises to go naked next game!

Beckham Issues Challenge to "LOSER" Team
After being shut out in their second consecutive game, the Spartan FC club was called a "bunch of bitches" by English super star and underwear model David Beckham.
"Let me tell all the angry ladies out there that I know the Spartans are probably worse than the woman's teams at Darlington. So calling them bitches isn't supposed to be derogatory to women. It's just a shame that grown men can't score a simple goal at a soccer match." David told reporters at the GM Centre.
"Beckham may be right," retorted an angry Captain Ian,"but from the picture he looks about centred...not that I paid much attention to that...Pat told me."
After some promising plays, and a botched penalty kick, the Spartans ended the season much the way they started it; losing.
"Losing isn't the problem," said Fil, who fought back tears while he cut onions for supper,"it's the pictures of Beckham that really hurts."
Despite actions from Anders, Fernando, Captain Ian, the Baron and Tyler, the hapless Spartans were denied goal after goal.
"It's true that I missed a few shots," told Fernando," but in all honesty it was probably Dave's fault."
"I was just here for the half time treats," said the banned superstar, who hopes to join both indoor leagues to keep trim and fit." Last year I gained 30 pounds during the winter. Luckily I joined Weight Watchers and lost the weight before training camp this year."
"It's true," confirmed Sarah Rue of Weight Watchers fame," he did lose 30 pounds."
While many of the Spartans refused to comment about the loss, many were excited about their potential in the playoffs.
"I think we really have a chance," Captain Ian stated in a mock pep rally infront of the mirror," no, that won't work. We really can do this guys...no, that's not convincing...."
More of David Beckham to come...unless things change for the better!

Spartans Come up with Perfect Season

No guts, no glory!

First Time Ever With no Wins
"Well, that didn't go exactly as planned," said Captain Ian, choking back the emotions of the season that never was," when I prophesized a perfect season, I meant losing NO games. I guess the guys got confused."
The Spartan FC dressing room was a scene of misery and dejection yesterday, after our heroes lost 5-0.
"I went to get a bucket of chicken at half time," said Pat," and now we're down and out?"
Things were going well for the Spartans, until Bowmanville FC scored just before half time.
Just a minute later, Captain Ian was brought down in the 18 and received a penalty kick.
"We never get calls like that," a confused Anders told reporters," initially we thought it was an indirect free kick."
But, on a day that will live in infamy, the Spartan Captain showed exactly why he's not on the revered list of scorers.
"All I could think about was stopping Dave Beckham from being on our website. Next thing I knew, the ball was rolling. I think though, in all honesty, Fernando should have got it in after my pass." revealed the ingenious Spartan leader.
"Yeah, I really screwed up that wide open net," admitted a dejected Fernando. "What was I thinking?"
There were some great moments in the game.
Tyler and Fil both created some good chances, just missing the net. A pass from Captain Ian just missed the Baron's foot.
"I'm still prepared," laughed Pat, who promised to streak naked if the Baron scored.
But the second half provided some low points as well.
Some great chances created by Fernando and Anders were missed. And teenaged heart throb The Baron made a breakaway throwaway after tapping the ball out of play.
"I was so angry," the frustrated Forward barked." I really wanted to see if Pat was really as big as the Spartan washroom stalls say he is."
With the season now over, Captain Ian has some difficult times ahead for the playoffs.
"Our team is way better than when they first started," commented Ian," but our lack of subs is really getting us exhausted and that creates mistakes. Mistakes creates goals. And goals, they create losses, especially for us."

Beckham says Spartans Worst Team

Scoreless games means more of this guy!

"It's a disgrace," commented former English National Team Captain David Beckham, after he saw the results of the latest Spartan game." I mean, to lose is one thing. We're used to that in England. But to be shut out by a team relying on bouncing passes."
In response, the well built European took off his clothes.
"Fil, Fernando, Baron, Anders, they all want to see a woman here. Well, Victoria's not doing it unless you score, and I have bigger breasts anyways!"
"It's horrible," a sickened Captain Ian retorted, attempting to keep his stomach contents within his body,"I just wish someone will score next game so we don't have to see him in his gitch."
"I really tried...I really did," said a distraught Fernando, who has been left off the score sheet for one too many games.
"I see that Beckham got that mole removed," noticed Mark, who would not elaborate further when pressed by this reporter.
Many on the team promised more concrete results, following the outburst from the professional soccer player.
"I'm still waiting for Baron to score," hoped Pat, who has been wearing tear away shorts and shirts in the hope that he can streak around the field."and I hope that day isn't cold!"
"We have this award," reflected Captain Ian," and it's the most prestigious in the FAD. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to hold it, to savour its essence. That trophy speaks volumes about the man who can win it. Everyone will know that a Spartan FC gave his all. I, of course, speak of ..."

COLOURING AND NAME OF AWARD WITHHELD BY REQUEST

Spartans Lose Out

Another Spartan Shot Blocked!

LAPSES CAUSE GOALS
Just hours after the Spartan's lose, pundits and experts were already putting the final nail in the Spartan casket.
With last place a certainty, the team was looking towards a new formation and eagerness.
"Relegation is a possibility," said Captain Ian,"But we're always looking for miracles. I pray everyday, three times on game day."
Once again our heroes were more than a challenge for the opposition. But it was the Spartans who were down by 1 goal at the half. A bad bounce actually fooled everyone and found its own way into the net.
"I think the Baron's oranges were off a bit," said Anders after taking a mouthful of the delectable fruit."and I said Oranges, not Golden Oranges, so stop doing all that colouring and fonting! I mean it!"
"The oranges were fine," commented Dave, who tasted his first half time treat.
For the second half, it was back to business. The Spartans found the net early, only to be denied by some great goalkeeping.
"Seems that I can't even hit the post after someone on the website made fun of me..." an angry Tyler told reporters.
Taking four unanswered goals near the end of the half seemed to seal the deal.
A last minute charge by Fil and the Baron didn't change matters, as a Golden Orange opportunity was missed right infront of the net.
The game ended a five game scoring streak for the hapless Spartans, who now play their next game against their post season rivals. The question on everyone's mind is, can they win a game?
"No team in the history of Darlington has gone with a total losing record," a contemplating Captain Ian told an empty room," but we'll try."

FAW Embraces FAD

FAW Commissionaire Campbell

"I embrace the movement of FAD players to the FAW," remarked a jubilant Commissioner Campbell, as he signed a deal to expand the FAW."Soccer stands for progress, integrity and entertainment, and we'll have none of that."
With summer soccer running down its last few weeks, things are looking busy for the various leagues looking for players to fill their rosters.
Most of the FAW teams were reluctant to accept the Spartan FC players, fearing the dilution would entail poorer plays and even worse ratings.
"We can't go any further down," said owner and Captain Heaney of the FAW Blacks." We lost our tv deal, we had to sell the bleechers for Fags. They can't switch off the lights, can they?"
While the FAW is experiencing a surge in their support this year, Captain Ian is attempting to keep his players limber and learning in the upcoming season.
"Who knows how this will unfold," a reflective Spartan captain said recently," we could end up in first place. But if the top 9 teams stay healthy, there's always next year. And besides, indoor can be fun."
Captain Ian and Commissioner Campbell refused to shake hands, and ended up in a slapping contest. After years of rivalry, the two have become household names where antagonism is concerned.
"It's kinda like Spic and Span, or the Captain and Toniel, or Kirk and Spock," said Commissioner Campbell." We don't get along, and that's the sad truth."
"I have the utmost respect for the FAW, but not for their drunken leader," Captain Ian told reporters. " He's the anti-Christ, no make that Adolf Stalin."
Both were in agreement, though, that their players should continue to improve during the winter, and work towards the coveted titles in either league.

And Fil Makes it Three (with Two)

FAD Officials stop Fil's Fans from streaking!

As the summer winds down, many of our thoughts turn to the coming Autumn. Rib Fest, School, colder weather.
But for Fil, it means only one thing.
"I'll grab that trophy and eat it infront of Fernando and James," boasted the goal scorer. Reporters had to remind him that the trophy was not edible, to which he replied," we'll see."
In a game that saw Fernando absent, Kevin on the sidelines, and James roughed up by the defense, fan favourite Fil was really all that remained to cheer for.
"Fil's thunder kick made me quake in my loins," commented one Spartan spectator. The fan's wife was also impressed with the kick.
Tyler once again led the pack with some quality shots, but it was Anders that would be denied a spot on the esteemed trophy.
"I get this pass from Baron, and he's yelling something. I know the net was wide open. But I didn't expect that, and got a bit nervous," replied Anders after suggestions that the mid-fielder totally messed up a golden opportunity.
"I didn't say that," said Captain Ian,"I just said that unlike me, Anders doesn't take hold of opportunities like this."
Asked about his two open net shots that felled two passing sea gulls, the Spartan FC Captain simply left the interview after slapping this reporter.
Former Dortmund Owner Franz Oeller was on hand to watch his old friend The Baron. Things were tense when the Baron just missed a long ball from Fil.
"The Baron played well out there, and he'll continue to be a force majeure for the Spartans."
"With two games left, and plenty of goals to go around, the Golden Orange is definitely still up for grabs," confessed Captain Ian," and someone will definitely win it."